The Btch Behind the Wtch: SnowWhite's Stepmother
by Purely Graceful
Summary: Ever wonder how the witch became the way she was? Find out in this DELIGHTFUL classic. NOTE - Somehow, a couple chapters became a Lord of the Rings crossover, so if you aren't LotR-familiar, you'll be confused. Otherwise, you'll love this. Guaranteed!
1. The Beginning

(just a note - we are NOT devil worshippers!! we are just imagining what snow white's evil stepmother was REALLY like as a child. thank u ).  
  
By ... .... .... C :) K. :( , and M :/  
  
Sally Sinful was always different than the other babies. While they were cooing, giggling and spilling baby food, she was pulling the hair out of her dollies and then hanging them (by their toenails) from the bars of her crib. And yet, her parents tried to keep hoping that it was "just a phase" and she would eventually grow out of it. But by the start of preschool, she had begun to put spells on furniture and send them hurtling at the mailman. His name was...well, we don't really care, but it was Leggyloo (no relation to Legolas, of COURSE). Leggyloo got freaked and called the police on Sally. When they pulled up to the house and saw Leggyloo yelling at an innocent-looking toddler, they put him in the local asylum ("Fred's Funny Farm - Where The Sun Shines Alllll Day!").  
  
At the age of fourteen, she started high school. And after that, it all went downhill.  
  
There was nothing her parents could do now.  
  
(don't you hate it when they say... TO BE CONTINUED ) 


	2. School Days

A/N ok, this is three people writing it. currently, only one of them is writing this chapter, but oh well!!!! we have other names (mine is bluetwilight24) u should check: megharts and (GRACE?? what's ur penname??) we may not have our stories up on those sites (i'm editting one for mine) but check anyways!!!  
  
Disclaimer: Another view of the fairy tale- we made up any characters u don't recognize. And dean muliki, though she may SOUND and ACT like the dean at our school, we totally **haha** made her up.  
  
School Days  
  
School was horrible for Sally.  
  
The children made fun of her; the teachers made fun of her; even own her parents made fun of her.  
  
Dean Muliki, the dean of students at her school, was especially cruel. She would laugh along with the students as they taunted little Sally. She would give her detentions (known as JUMs- Justice under muliki- jugs- justice under God- just didn't fit the story) every day. Sally was so introverted that she never looked anyone in the eye or smiled ever.  
  
The only person who was nice to her was the old lady next door. She was a strange lady who was always alone when Sally wasn't over. Some claimed that her house was haunted. Others just said she was plain weird. But everyone agreed- she just wasn't sane. Loud cackling and explosions could be heard from her house all day long.  
  
Through the old lady, Sally entered a dark and twisted world. She kept more and more to herself, muttering incantations under her breath. Sally hissed when people approached her and became fully immersed in dark magic.  
  
She wanted her revenge.  
  
A/N sorry it is so short- must discuss with group before lengthening! ~ C  
  
Please review, anyways! 


	3. To Hell and Back

A/n: M's turn 2 write! Yay! Our pennames are still the same. We don't know grace's cuz she 4got it.  
  
Anywayz, on w/ the story!  
  
To Hell and Back  
  
Sally sold herself to the devil.  
  
No joke.  
  
Her next door neighbor had grown very fond of her. She constantly told Sally of her daughter, who was named after a plant.  
  
What was it again? Rose, Lily, Geranium- no, Rapunzel! Sally forgot the name sometimes.  
  
Apparently the witch had locked her in a tower or something. Sally declined when the witch offered to take her there.  
  
It was her neighbor that introduced her to the devil.  
  
"So, Sally," he said, "you wanna join my evil legion?"  
  
"Lemme see, who else is in it?" she asked.  
  
"Hm. well, the number is growing everyday. The guys at Enron, AJ from the Backstreet Boys, the producers of Fear Factor, Kid Rock, oh and Britney Spears.. I can't remember anyone else right now. Are you thirsty?"  
  
"Well, I am in a very fiery place right now."  
  
He snapped his fingers, and a boy with orange hair came in with two beers. "Thanks, Carrot top," Lucifer (aka the devil) said taking the beer of the tray.  
  
"No problem," said Carrot top. He turned to give Sally her drink. "Need to make a collect call? Dial C-A-L-L-A-T-T. It's free for you, cheap for them."  
  
"I don't use phones, I have a crystal ball at home," Sally answered.  
  
Lucifer smiled, "Isn't he annoying? We made that stupid thing up."  
  
"You must be so. PROUD," she said, forcing a smile.  
  
He sighed, "I am. That's some of what you'll be doing. We make annoying commercial jingles. I'm sure you're familiar with the duck from Affleck?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"All us."  
  
"So, what else is there to do?"  
  
"Oh, lots. You sign the papers giving me your soul, you get magic and you work for me."  
  
"Ok, I need a pen." 


	4. Sally and her Evil Vacation

Yes, it's that special time again --- it's my turn to write a chapter (I am K :( and I also wrote the extremely strange first chapter). Here we go ya'll.  
  
*******  
  
CHAPTER FOUR  
  
After signing in 76,934 extremely important places on the devil's contract, Sally's pen ran out of glittery ink. The devil said, "Oh, that's okay, I think I have your signature enough times anyway."  
  
"Why did I have to fill that whole thing out??" asked Sally. "Most of it was just repeating!"  
  
"Well, this is Hell. And from now on, you'd better get used to doing things 76,934 times, because you just sold me your soul." He let out a laugh quite reminiscent of Barney's that usually brought anyone listening to their knees, but Sally just stared at him, unimpressed.  
  
"Hello, that's what I meant to do...now when do I get my magic?"  
  
The devil regained his composure.  
  
"Well, you can't get it yet."  
  
"WHAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT??????""""  
  
Fire came out of Sally's nostrils and lit the devil's poofy pink poodle rug on fire. He stared in shock as that cute little doggy face burned into ashes, then turned his gaze of hatred upon Sally.  
  
"Patience is a virtue, and one that we especially value here. It takes time to get the things you want. And to help you understand this, I think you need a little vacation...yeeeeeeees, that's exactly what you need.."  
  
Sally knew that she needed to escape, and she did. Well, she tried to. Because as soon as she turned around to sprint out of Hell's door (running in Miss Kooper's gym-class-of-your-nightmares has made her very speedy indeed), she tripped over someone's foot. At this exact second, the Devil hit Sally with a spell and her world turned into a fiery vortex. She frantically grabbed on to the foot of the poor being she had knocked over, and squeezed it like itwas Leggyloo's neck. (You remember Leggyloo, don't you? You don't? Well, you should be ashamed of yourself). The creature let out a strangled cry, but Sally hung on even tighter. The sound of the devil's Barney-ish laughter filled the air, and Sally thought she could hear the voices of slap-happy little kids singing along with him. How she hated slap-happy kids! Sally let out a scream of agony. Just when she thought their joyful laughter would rip her ice-cold heart apart, everything stopped. No sound. No movement. No pain.  
  
Sally opened her eyes and looked around.  
  
She took in the sand, the tropical trees, and the vast expanse of blue- green ocean. The scent of exotic flowers upon the air and the flashy feathers of the brightly-colored birds that floated over her.  
  
Ha, she thought derisively. I'll be able to get out of this place in 5 minutes, using that magic-free spell the witch taught me (yes, there are such things as magic free spells. Go with the flow, okay?)  
  
And then she realized her cramped hand was still holding on the person she had knocked down. She let out a snotty sigh. "Well, you loser, this spell is only for one and I'm leaving so g..."  
  
But Sally would never utter the "oodbye" that was next meant to come from her evil lips. For she had finally gotten a good look at who was laying next to her in the sand.  
  
It was none other than Gimli, son of Gloin.  
  
Sally's eyes rolled up into her head, and she lost all consciousness for the first time.  
(YES I KNOW I AM A FREAK PLEASE JUST KEEP READING IT WILL GET MUCH MUCHO BETTER WHEN C AND M ADD TO IT!) 


	5. The Seven Dwarves

A/N- I usually make no promises, but I promise that if u review my chapter, my chapters WILL (try to) get better ~ C oh yeah, Gimli is from Lord of the Rings (by JRR Tolkien), and the other characters are from disney's Snow White. We are not stealing, just borrowing. Any other ones we probably made up. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Chapter 5 The seven dwarves  
  
"Gimli!! O my devil, what are you doing here?"  
  
The little dwarf straightened himself out with a look of disgust. (or maybe that's just the way his face always looks- it is hard to tell.)  
  
"I was just freeing my six cousins and I got lost in Moria, and ended up in hell"  
  
"You have cousins?" Sally eagerly inquired. "Are they as good-looking as you are, Master Dwarf?" (Sally obviously hit her head when she fell)  
  
Gimli stared at her incredulously, and pulled out his ax. Before Sally could scream, Gimli pulled out of his belt a wallet with foldout pictures. He fanned it out in front of Sally to show her the pictures of six little dwarves.  
  
But before he could finish this showing her, Sally hit him hard with a magic-free hex. Knocked to the ground, Gimli's grimace was replaced with a stupid expressio. Sally picked up the pictures and examined them, nicknaming each of the cousins.  
  
"Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Sleepy, Happy, and Bashful" Sally said, calling each of the dwarves to the island with her. (Why she needed the devil for magic when she had plenty for herself is a good question.)  
  
With the six little dwarves in front of her, she smiled maliciously. But in order to use them as her evil minions, she needed a seventh.  
  
Looking at the lifeless figure of Gimli, she had an idea. Magically she lifted him, leaving him in his stupid stupor. Nicknaming him "Dopey" she was ready to begin her evil plan.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A/N Weird, huh? Ok, I hope M and K are able to help this!!! lol- READ AND REVIEW- that's the rules. You read, u review!! (ok, please? or else we'll sic Gimli on u!) 


	6. Sally Develops her Evil Plan

A/n: the beautiful M writes again!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Now, as you all know, dwarves are great miners and craftsman of the mountain halls.  
  
Yeah, that's right, Sally knew that too.  
  
She also knew that this mining thing involved diamond and rubies. Diamonds and rubies, for those of you who weren't aware or are currently insane, can get you a lot of money.  
  
Sally liked money.  
  
The people in charge of countries (like kings), usually have a lot of money. In other words, the people who have money have power.  
  
Sally liked power.  
  
So, with the reasons in mind, she started on her evil plan.  
  
"So, um, Grumpy," she said, pointing to one of the dwarves.  
  
"My name's Steve," he grumbled.  
  
"I like Grumpy better," she said, "it stays."  
  
"Ruddy woman," he grumbled.  
  
"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that," she said. "Being nice to me is in your best interest."  
  
"Why's that?"  
  
"Just look at him," she said, pointing to the dwarf-formally-known-as-Gimli (Dopey).  
  
He was drooling.  
  
"What happened to him?" yawned one of the dwarves (Sleepy).  
  
"It looks as though he's had a severe head injury," said another one (Doc).  
  
Yet another (Bashful), turned to her and gulped, "What do we have to do?" 


	7. Sally Makes the Dwarves Do Whatever the ...

Disclaimer: There are some quotes from LotR in here (yes, I use them in every moment of my life), and certain characters are from LotR. Again, these dwarves and their dwelling are from the Snow White story, and Dopey- formerly-known-as-Gimli is basically property of Tolkien. Now, enjoy another one of my freaky chapters! - K :(  
CHAPTER 7  
  
Using another of her infamous non-magical-spells, Sally quickly transported herself and the dwarves, who were now slaves to her will, back to the hut where the dwarves resided.  
  
Stepping across the worn doorway, Sally gazed in disgust at the mounds of crap littered throughout the room. She snorted at the dwarves, "Didn't your mommy teach you how to call a cleaning service?"  
  
"Well, we've been letting it get extra messy, because Bashful here claims that someday a pretty, kind, over-cheerful lady will get all her little animal friends to make it sparkly clean" explained Doc. Sally glanced at Bashful, who whimpered and tried to hind under his own shoe.  
  
  
  
"Sounds like a load of sushi to me," said Sally carelessly. "But if you want to live in your own filth, go ahead, I really don't care." She picked at the skull decals on her fingernails. "I'll stay somewhere else, but trust me, I'll be watching."   
  
Suddenly, Sally's eyes turned a glowing red and she went into a kind of angry trance. From deep within her, an evil, intense voice cackled: "The eye of Sally, from within her fortress, sees all..her gaze pierces earth, stone, and fleshhhhhhh.." Then, she disappeared.  
  
The dwarves were left staring in shock at one another. What had they gotten into???? Stupid Dopey - this was all his fault for hanging out in Hell.  
  
"Shoulda buried him in the mines when we had the chance..." muttered Grumpy. The other dwarves sadly nodded at this great truth, then climbed the rotting stairs to their little personalized beds.   
  
******************************  
  
The very next morning (if you call 1:00 AM morning), 6 of the dwarves found themselves trudging back towards the mines they had left only a couple of hours ago. Dopey, who did not quite, er, have his wits about him, remained at the hut, staring happily at the cracked wall.  
  
The dwarves had been awoken by their shoes, which had become quite possessed and began kicking the little men. A note written in red ink (v. suspicious-looking red ink) that was nailed to Sleepy's forehead told them to immediately return to the mines. They were to dig straight down, towards the center of the earth, as fast as they could go. Oh, and of course, any valuable metals that were found should be presented to Sally immediately.  
  
Remembering the hellish trance that Sally had the night before, the dwarves grabbed their small tools and set off for the mines as fast as they could go. But they didn't run for long, and soon dropped back into their regular trudge, as dwarves are wasted on cross country - - - they are natural sprinters. V. dangerous over short distances.  
  
"Hi-ho, Hi-ho, It's off to work we go!" sang Happy. The other dwarves shook their heads in disbelief. They were becoming more and more exasperated with Happy's constant cheerfulness, and were starting to suspect him of doing some heavy drugs.  
  
Finally reaching the mines, they set into the familiar digging routine, changing it slightly so that they were mining straight downwards. None of the little dwarves knew why Sally had made the strange order to do so. At least, they didn't until Sneezy achoo-ed and blew a huge hole in the bottom of a pit. Gazing into the space below the hole, they beheld a colossal cavern, filled with enormous stalactites and gigantic boulders. There was ancient armor littered throughout the room, and hundreds of skeletons. But the most remarkable sight was the 8 figures (yes, I know it should be nine, but Gimli is now Dopey, remember??) of assorted size and shape that were picking their way across the rubble. Not far behind them, a gangly creature was slithering through the rocks as well. In front of the party was what seemed to be a tall man in a crazy hat, holding a twisted stick.  
  
Actually, the dwarves still didn't know why Sally wanted them to dig downwards, had no idea what this scene meant, and were about to run for home when sleepy dropped into a doze and lost his balance at the edge of the hole.  
  
Tumbling end over end, he immediately rolled into the hole and began falling through the darkness, towards the strange party below.  
**yay!!! A cliffy!!! Sorry for this REALLY weird chapter but I am sleep deprived! Help! Please fix our story, C!!!!!! 


	8. The Fellowship

A/N Sorry this took so long to get up. I have been very busy. Also, I did write a chapter, but it didn't get past the K- Censor, as somehow the entire fellowship became gay. (Not a very large stretch of the imagination. jk, I just funny for K to get "upset" with me again. LOL)  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~  
  
Chapter 8 The Fellowship  
  
Sleepy fell through the air into the arms of a tall, blonde elf. The elf gently put the dwarf down, and the whole fellowship looked at Sleepy amazed.  
  
"This is good news!" said the tall, grayed wizard. "Now we have a guide for the mines of Moria."  
  
The whole group looked at the dwarf expectantly, but Sleepy had already fallen asleep. At that moment, they heard a small voice from up above their heads, shouting down at them.  
  
"That would be our dwarf. If u could be so kind to toss him back up to us, we'd be much obliged." Doc yelled down to the nine figures surrounding Sleepy.  
  
The eight closest to Sleepy (who called themselves the "fellowship") looked up at the little dwarf in astonishment. The last creature crept quickly into the shadows beyond the fellowship's perception.  
  
"And who, praytell, are you, Master Dwarf?" shouted a greasy man to Doc. He looked as though he hadn't showered in a few years.  
  
"I am Doc. And this is Grumpy, Sneezy, Happy, and Bashful. You have our cousin Sleepy, and we would like him back, thank you. We are under the control of an evil witch, and we won't be able to explain the loss of our hardworking cousin to her. Also, we won't be able to play charades anymore, because we need an even number (and Dopey is of no use- I don't know how an elf would befriend him for so long- aren't they supposed to be wise?) and Sleepy is does a great impersonation of a possum."  
  
"Who is the evil witch?" shouted the elf. "Is her name Sarumen? Or, closer yet, is her name Arwen?"  
  
But Doc was cut off from his reply when Sally stormed into the cave and shouted triumphantly. She grabbed the five remaining dwarves, and, cackling maliciously, and put them in a magical cage.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~  
  
A/N I am sorry this is short and stupid. The other one was a lot funnier, but it turned this into a slash fanfic, like half of the stories already out there. The Arwen part is because we don't think she was portrayed well in the movie. In the book, Aragorn did NOT have dream sequences with a slutty Arwen. So this is kind of in protest. Also, remember, its all good natured fun- so no need to write me an angry review. Though, of course, and angry review is better than no review. I will respond to all reviews of my chapter in the next chapter. So review, please!!! ~*~ C ~*~ 


	9. To Snatch a King

M is So back.  
  
Disclaimer: Characters feelings of Disney movies do not necessarily reflect the author's opinion. References used w/o permission from Disney.  
  
`*`*`*`  
  
"Um, OW," said Grumpy as he was dropped into the cage.  
  
"Sally," said Bashful, "could we lose the cage?"  
  
It disappeared. Everyone thanked her except Sleepy, who was sleeping.  
  
"Sally," said Doc, "why'd you do that?"  
  
"I dunno. I just felt like being evil," she replied. "Plus that whole LoTR add-in was getting to me."  
  
"She's insane," muttered Grumpy.  
  
"Oh no!" cried Sally.  
  
"What?" asked Bashful.  
  
"I broke a nail trying to pick up one of you! The king will never want to marry me now!"  
  
"King? What king?" asked Doc.  
  
"Why would the king hate you just because of a nail?" asked Bashful.  
  
"She's insane," muttered Grumpy.  
  
"Haven't you ever seen Disney movies before?" asked Sally.  
  
"We don't have a television," said Happy. "We can depend on ourselves for delightful entertainment."  
  
"She's insane," muttered Grumpy.  
  
"OK, Grumpy," said Sally. "We heard you the first time."  
  
"What do Disney movies have to do with anything?" asked Sneezy.  
  
"Well, in Disney movies all kinds of people become queens. Slaves, mermaids, bookworms, one even married a sleeping girl. I think that I have a good chance."  
  
"What dope would marry a mermaid?" asked Grumpy.  
  
"The same guy that falls in love with her because she has a pretty singing voice," answered Sally.  
  
"Who?" he repeated.  
  
"Prince Eric. Oh, never mind. The point is that none of those girls would have gotten anywhere unless they had perfect appearances."  
  
"You mean they only get the guys because they're pretty?" asked Doc. "What kind of society are we living in?"  
  
"This one," replied Bashful.  
  
"I think it's pretty darn good!" said Happy.  
  
"He's delirious," muttered Grumpy.  
  
"What king are you going to marry?" asked Happy.  
  
"Is he handsome?" asked Sneezy, who had strange tendencies.  
  
"Is he rich?" asked Doc.  
  
"Is he happy?" asked Happy.  
  
"I'll bet he's stupid," muttered Grumpy.  
  
"He's all of those things," said Sally. "Otherwise I wouldn't have picked him."  
  
"Because he's stupid or handsome?" asked Bashful.  
  
"Both."  
  
"Wow," said Grumpy, "you're as bad as a Disney prince."  
  
"Hey, a girl has to have standards."  
  
"So," said Happy, "how are you going to get him to marry you?"  
  
"I thought I'd try the Cinderella approach. Doc and Happy can be my ugly stepsisters."  
  
"You have no idea how happy that makes me!" said Happy.  
  
"You're insane," said Grumpy.  
  
"And Grumpy can be my evil stepmother!"  
  
"You smell like rotten cheese. He'd rather marry me," said Grumpy.  
  
"Well, if he does, then you can carry out my evil plan!"  
  
"Not in your life," muttered Grumpy.  
  
"The rest of you can improvise," said Sally.  
  
"But we need your help in what we should be, oh great one," said Bashful.  
  
"Okay, you can be lawn ornaments," she said.  
  
"Oh great one?! I don't know you people anymore," said Grumpy.  
  
"You are so wise!" said Bashful.  
  
"Wise? Bashful, have you been sniffing cleaning detergent again?" asked Grumpy.  
  
"No. But now that you mention it, I did paint my room yesterday. It smelled funky."  
  
"Okay, enough," said Sally. "We go to make my beautiful-but-tight dress, shoes that will cut off my circulation, and cosmetics that were tested on non human animals."  
  
"Are you getting all this in hell?" asked Happy.  
  
"Are you kidding? No! We're off to the nearest mall."  
  
`*`*`*`  
  
We just wanna thank all the awesome ppl who have reviewed! I hope *hint hint* that you liked this chapter enough to review! 


	10. From Sally Sinful To Supermodel

A/n : Im so v. sorry for not writing for a number of months (as C. and M. tell me); things have been crazy. Also, I was of course shocked and confused when our story lost its LotR-add-in (thanks a lot, you guys...) But I shall continue. On to the ball!! Oh and just because we mentioned everyone's penname except mine, it's LoverOfAllThingsLegolas. Thanks dudes! Disclaimer: Clueless, nose-less princes are always property of Disney. Jell-o is yummy and owned by some corporation I don't know the name of. Oh, and Lord Voldemort was created by JK, but he isn't even here, the mirror is just a likeness.  
  
CHAPTER TEN - From Sally Sinful to Supermodel  
  
Sally whirled and twirled and sashayed and spun, then swiveled, just for good measure. She was in front of a mirror with what looked like an eyeless Lord Voldemort face upon its surface.  
  
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, Am I not the most beautiful of them all?"  
  
The mirror grumbled and looked away from YM (Yearly Mirror), the magazine it was reading.  
  
"Why the hell are you asking me? Do I look like a fashion expert to you?"  
  
"Mirror, mirror, in a tumbledown shed, Would you like life better if you were dead?"  
  
The mirror quickly gathered its features into a pained smile. "O Great Mistress, Your hair is shiny, Waist is tiny, Dress of red, Hat on Head...Must be Santa! Must be Santa! Must be Santa, Santa Claus!!!" (if you don't know this song, you need to listen to Raffi more often).  
  
Sally glared at the narrator as the mirror puzzled over the words that had just popped out of his mouth.  
  
"You made him say that, didn't you???" shrieked Sally.  
  
Well, duh. I make everyone say everything, Hon. I'm the author of this chapter. Plus I'm quite tired, so this chapter is going to be especially long, rambling, and freaky.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAGGGHHH!!" Sally shrieked with rage.  
  
Suddenly, she was standing in front of a gorgeous palace. The most Disney- fied palace of all time: Huge alabaster marble walls, sparkling stained glass windows, rose gardens so heavy with blossoms that their perfumed scent filled the air. Standing next to the huge, intricately carved front doors were line upon line of servants dressed in immaculate uniforms, ready to escort inside the bespangled ladies attending the ball. Hundreds of carriages were pulling through the palace's circular front drive. Sally was standing in front of one such carriage.  
  
However, her carriage was the only one being pulled by six panting, tired dwarves.  
  
Sally cackled. "This is more like it! Prime Prince-meeting location! Or a King, if I can snatch hold of one.."  
  
Grumpy leaned over and puked on her shoes.  
  
Sally smiled sweetly down upon him. "Nice try, but my shoes are vomit- resistant. And you just volunteered to be my poor, disfigured sister whom I bring to the ball with me out of the kindness of my heart."  
  
Grumpy spat. "Why do I have to do that??"  
  
"My future husband will like me better if he thinks I'm kind and loving. Now quick, shove yourself into this corset."  
  
Three minutes later, a lady dragging a small girl behind her appeared at the front door. However, no one noticed the grunting, disheveled tiny one because the woman grabbing her wrist was the most beautiful marvel they had ever seen. A glow seemed to surround the woman's supermodel face, and the door attendants found they couldn't take their eyes off of her. (Hey, a little non-magical beauty spell does a body good). The servants fell all over themselves trying to volunteer to escort her inside. The strongest, a Bod Grodly, shoved the others aside and led her into the main hall.  
  
There, they were met by an announcer standing next to an even more intricate set of doors.  
  
"O Beautiful Creature, what be-ith thy name?" The announcer was clearly smitten.  
  
"Sally Sinful. Oh, and this is...um..Grumpetta."  
  
The servant threw the doors open, and Sally suddenly found an enormous room of well-dressed people staring up at her. The women frowned at this new threat to their beauty, while the men fainted to the polished dance floor.  
  
"Presenting Miss Sallils Infell of..um...The City of Great Beauty!" the announcer, flustered and forgetful, quickly retreated back into the quiet of the main hall. The attendant regretfully walked away from Sally and back to his post at the front door, and Grumpetta jumped in the direction of the buffet tables.  
  
Sally, alone on the great stairs that led down onto the main floor, pouted her lips and struck a pose as her calculating eyes scanned the room for possible royalty.  
  
"Commoner..duke..commoner..knight..squire..AHA! Royalty!"  
  
There in the corner sat a depressed-looking male with an elaborate crown slipping down on his forehead. His ermine robes fell around his forlorn figure as he waved away row upon row of hopeful females wishing for a dance.  
  
Sally descended upon her newest prey.  
  
The second he saw her, all traces of sadness left his face and he immediately stood to greet her.  
  
"Welcome to my palace! Forgive me for not noticing you sooner. I was grieving for my wife, who passed away last week, leaving my daughter and I behind."  
  
"How sad for you," said Sally in a breathy voice, struggling to draw air into her lungs within her tight corset. "I am sure that her spirit is with us here tonight. You should celebrate her passage into a greater world - it would make her happier and her memory well-appreciated."  
  
But the King didn't need made-up flattery. Sally's beauty was too strong, and hey, he had a brain cavity filled with jell-o.  
  
He was hooked.  
  
"Care to dance with me for about three hours and then slip off together to one of the Royal Broom Closets?" said the King, losing all control over his mind (and mouth).  
  
Sally smiled evilly, then brought up a giggle.  
  
"I'd be delighted, your highness."  
  
************ Thanks to the 21 stars who have reviewed our story!!!! You guys are, without a doubt, the coolest cats around. 


	11. A Wedding Story

It's C again! Sorry it has taken so long for me to finish this, I was gonna wait four months like K, but I realized that would make some unhappy readers (cough Yoshi) and also, M threatened to skip me.  
  
So here it is!! Enjoy it!! Sorry its so short, but M should write soon. Review responses are the next chapter we post!! They'll be soon, don't worry!  
  
Chapter 11  
  
~*~*~A WEDDING STORY~*~*~ (a/n Like on TLC where they have a Wedding, Dating, Baby and Makeover story!! Haha- its CRAZINESS! But crazy cool!)  
  
Sally sighed disappointingly as she surveyed the church. In the week since she had met King Daft at the ball, he had only managed to find 400 guests to come to the wedding. The lack of attendance angered her; she had expected a thousand at the very least.  
  
She closed her eyes and pictured the crown, and the scepter, her power, to get rid of her anger. She only had the thought of her imminent power on her mind as she stomped down the aisle towards King Daft, dragging her veil- carriers, Grumpetta and the king's daughter, Snow White, after her.  
  
When the ceremony was over and she had her crown securely on her head, Queen Sally and King Daft walked out of the church to a large assembly of their people trying to get a glimpse of the beautiful queen. They were surprised to see Sally, whose nonmagical beauty spell was quickly wearing off. Sally gasped as she saw a sour Grumpetta slowly morphing back into a sour Grumpy. In the day's hectic events, she hadn't remembered to renew the spell! Hoping Daft wouldn't notice, Sally quickly "fainted," and repeated the spell quietly on the ground. One person in the audience stealthily took her picture just then, and slinked away.  
  
Sally and Daft took the wedding party to the wedding hall. They danced and partied until late into the night. The seven dwarves made up the band, and Grumpetta sang lead. Their musical forte ranged from 'Barbie Girl' to 'Material Girl.' (a/n- both iclassic/i songs)  
  
Sally glares angrily at author. "Is this MY story or yours?! Stick to narrating. Those random comments are annoying and aren't even funny!!"  
  
(C- well sorrry. grumble mumble. I'll get back to the story then. mumble grumble. )  
  
The party went on late into the night. Few cars were in the streets as Sally and Daft headed back to the castle.  
  
As they reached the castle, a van with "Fred's Funny Farm" plastered on it rolled past. From inside Sally could hear a weeping man crying something about "magical" hurtling furniture and a need to give people their mail. 


	12. Meet the Family

M updates sooner than every1 thought she would!  
  
She doesn't know why, as K and C won't update for another 27 years after this.  
  
Ah well, she tries.  
  
She re-updated this after some serious spelling words. Actually, she couldn't figure out what one of the words was. She apologizes.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Sally- I mean QUEEN Sally- stepped out of her carriage, and into the pavement by the castle.  
  
"Geez, no limo?" she muttered to Grumpy. "These people just don't know how to live."  
  
"What was that, darling?" asked King Daft.  
  
"I was remarking on how beautiful the castle looks in this light!" lied Queen Sally.  
  
Queen Sally was really good at lying. Even better than regular Sally.  
  
It was just a perk of being evil AND having a lot of power.  
  
All off the sudden, Sally heard a loud squealing noise and saw several windows breaking.  
  
"What was that?!" she cried, covering her ears.  
  
"That's just Snow White," said the King. "Lovely singing voice, that girl has."  
  
"Um. was that her SINGING VOICE?" asked Queen Sally.  
  
"Yes. Everyone is always remarking on how lovely it is," bragged King Daft. "I personally think she'd be bigger than that Britney Spears if she got herself an agent."  
  
"I doubt she has enough souls to sell to the devil for that," muttered Queen Sally.  
  
"What was that?" asked the King.  
  
"I was just remarking about how much I want to meet my new step daughter!"  
  
Grumpy had stayed remarkably quite up to this point. "If that voice is lovely, that I'm the Queen of England."  
  
"You are?" cried King Daft. "Sally, you should have told me you were related to royalty! I would have had a special room prepared for her!"  
  
"She's not really the Queen of England. Grumpetta is insane. I only took her out of Fred's Funny Farm for the wedding," said the Queen.  
  
"I am not insane!" cried Grumpy.  
  
"Poor thing, in denial. She's very sensitive about it," said Queen Sally.  
  
"You're the insane one! You married someone who has no clue who the Queen of England is!" cried Grumpy.  
  
"Sorry, your highness," said the King. "We will arrange more proper accommodations for you this instant."  
  
"See what I mean!" cried Grumpy. "He's the one that needs to go to a Funny Farm!"  
  
"No need to get feisty, your highness," said the King. "I'm sorry I didn't recognize you."  
  
"Just play along," hissed Queen Sally.  
  
"Fine," said Grumpy. "I'd be glad to accept the rooms. But I want peace and quiet, so tell your daughter to SHUT UP!"  
  
King Daft looked slightly offended, so Sally said, "You know how testy they are in England. She hasn't had her tea yet."  
  
"That's so stereotyp-" he was cut off by Sally's hand on his mouth.  
  
"Well, have Boris here take her to her rooms," said the King. "I'll show you my daughter!"  
  
"Oh, I can't wait to meet her," winced Queen Sally.  
  
They walked out to a courtyard.  
  
A small, dark-haired little girl came running over.  
  
"Daddy!" she cried, flinging herself on her father. "Did you get me any presents while you were away?!"  
  
"Well Princess, I got you a new mommy," he said. "Meet Sally. Sally, meet Snow White."  
  
"Snow White?" asked Queen Sally. "That's her name?"  
  
"Hair as black as ebony, lips as red as a rose, skin as white as snow," explained King Daft. "Plus, her real name was Gertrude. How many Princess Gertrude's do you know? Snow White just flows off the tongue easier."  
  
"Yep," said Queen Sally, "I guess it does."  
  
"I wanted a pony!" Snow White broke in.  
  
"I got you one yesterday," said the King.  
  
"But it got dirty!" cried Snow White. "It went to the bathroom!"  
  
"I'll get you a new one, then," said King Daft. "We can't have with that."  
  
Queen Sally found this whole this nauseating. This kid needed something. Slave labor would do wonders from her.  
  
Maybe it would even stop her from singing.  
  
When she finally escaped from King Daft and the Princess Brat, she went to her room.  
  
She found a package on her bed.  
  
"From Satan," she read on the card. "This is a gift for you, but because everything has to have a catch, it works like the internet. It takes forever to load and makes a lot of noise to do so. Congrats on your marriage!"  
  
"Thanks, for the happy tidings!" she said.  
  
She opened the package and saw that the gift was a mirror.  
  
"How does it work?" she asked aloud.  
  
As if by magic (okay, so it was magic), words appeared on the screen and Sally read them aloud.  
  
"Mirror, mirror on my bed, who's got the prettiest head?" Queen Sally looked confused. "That rhyme makes no sense! Plus, it sucks! I already have a mirror!"  
  
The mirror then posted the words, "Dopey ate your other mirror. Deal with it."  
  
It then began its long and noisy process of loading.  
  
Queen Sally would have shattered it if it hadn't been for the seven-years- bad-luck rule.  
  
Plus, you don't just break gifts from the devil.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
A/n: it has come to our attention that we are getting quite a bit of hate reviews.  
  
Keep 'em comin'!  
  
K and C are replying to them eventually. But I'm special and went behind their backs to get these to you!  
  
Lusty Comesquick- glad u liked it!  
  
Dusty Harlequinade- we're glad we were on your list of things 2 get 2!!!! This makes us happy!  
  
Arwen Telyn- sadly, we did not make this LoTR enough. Am seriously considering your suggestion.  
  
Houdinishideaway- glad 2 review your story, oh anonymous one!  
  
lillee92- we luv ya!!!!!!! C is planning on taking ur advice and writing her own mini series on how awful it is 2 write with two such as k and i. apparently, it's going to be a new best seller. Cuz c is a much better writer than k and I, but there you go. We saw that we made your profile, and are all happy-ish now!  
  
Ohtariel1- our first hate review!!!!! C offended a lot of ppl with the slutty arwen thingy. Dismiss it, she knows not of what she speaks.  
  
Elaine Main- thanx! Glad u like it!  
  
Nosilla- ah yes, I remember reading ur story. V. cool. Glad you're reading ours!  
  
Shards of EvenSong- Disney movies needed to be portrayed, we just made it possible.  
  
Dreamer Wolf- that review was all about the love!!!! Thanx! I love the santa song 2!!! I sang it on K's answering machine once.  
  
Yoshi- ah yoshi. Our beloved reviewer!!!! We posted because of you, and it was like you didn't know!!! What happened?????!!!!! Ah well. We all have one question for you: what does cysw! mean? Cuz I am at a complete loss here.  
  
A person- we need to work on this a LOT, eh? Not just a lot, with no caps lock? You're right, but we are highly sleep deprived, so the working on just isn't happening, my friend. My apologies.  
  
An ANGRY person- another offended-by-c's-flowery-wording person. Firstly, we never said she was a slut. We said she was SLUTTY! Plus, it was more liv tyler, not book-arwen. Sorry if you have a thing for liv. There is no treatment for it. 


	13. Insanity Takes Over

CHAPTER THIRTEEN: A/n: This is K. Yes, I know I'm a lame-ass updater, but I think I have a disorder which causes me to put off fun things in order to do homework. Oh, yeah, it's called SCHOOL. 

Sorry, am a tad bitter today. 

Anyways, we continue. Thanks for the evil reviews, guys. They warm the cockles of my heart. 

Chapter 13 – Snow White's Teenage Years, During Which Sally's Life Begins To Disintegrate But Then Takes An Evil Turn For The Better 

Sally whiled away the next decade or so quite easily. Between bossing around King Daft and frantically trying to hook her mirror up to DSL, Sally had little time for outside annoyances and was therefore ignorant to the world around her. It wasn't until late one night that she realized the true joys of motherhood. 

******** 

Sally jolted upright in bed, panting in fear. Her nightmares were getting more and more sinister, and often creepily twisted. The long hours spent gazing at her own reflection in **The Mirror** didn't help, as staring in a reflective surface for hours at a time has been clinically proven to causes vapidness and swift insanity. Sally's non-magical beauty spell, the other love of her life, was beginning to be constantly plastered on her sagging face. 

See, friends? Consorting with the devil doesn't pay. Feel the values I am teaching you. 

Sally shrieked, awaking King Daft, who slowly sat up, avoiding the menacing fingernails which Sally was brandishing. 

"I heard the voice! Again! Eeeeeeehhhhhhhhh aaaaaaahh cackle cackle….." 

King Daft looked sadly at the ceiling. Sally had seemed so brainlessly, beautifully normal on that night at the ball. Just when did she turn psycho? 

"Honey, it's just the narrator, trying to make you have another synaptic breakdown. You, crazy girl, stop teasing my poor wife," he reprimanded the ceiling. 

The ceiling was silent, as ceilings usually are. Except for my bedroom's, of course, but we don't talk about that. 

Sally and the King promptly forgot about the creepy narrator and her talking ceiling as a loud, off-key baritone voice resounded from the courtyard. They raced to the window, tripping over each other's feet in the process. Lying in a most un-royal heap on the floor, they heard a piercing tone join the first. And this was not a good piercing tone; it was a break-your-eardrums-and-shatter-your-toenail-polish piercing tone. 

Snow White's. 

The omniscient narrator gleefully watched as Snow White, wearing a dress that can only be described as red and smutty (word of the day, boo-yah), leaped to her certain death from her fifth-floor bedroom window, shrieking in song as she fell. 

Sadly, the owner of the deep voice caught her, making a most interesting "Oooofffffff….._owwwwwwwwww_" noise as she landed on him. With difficulty, he carried her over to a purple horse. 

King Daft, who had finally reached the window, screamed like a girl and pressed a button on the wall labeled "EMERGENCY", then began running for courtyard. 

About 0.854 seconds later, armored soldiers poured into the moonlit square where Snow White and her random boy toy were having A Moment. 

The princely boy, upon seeing the guards, immediately pushed Snow White off of his horse. "Whatever. This is too weird. I need a princess who's _easy_ to get with." His horse sprouted blue wings and flew off into the sunset (have you not heard of the rare 2:00 AM sunsets? Look for one tonight). The guards applauded in awe. 

"SHUT UP YOU BAS-I mean, whatever was that for, strong soldiers?" Snow White inquired sweetly. 

"I dunno. We were bored and the emergency alarm went off, so, here we are." shrugged a tall knight. 

"Hey, guys, I heard there's doughnuts on the round table!" shouted a portly swordsman. They stampeded off to join in the American tradition of gluttony. 

King Daft finally reached the courtyard. "Honey, boys are bad. Repeat with me: **Boys.** Are. **Bad.**" 

"Whyyyyyyyyyyy…….**waaaaahhh!**" Snow White burst into tears, a tactic that, with her father, most always guaranteed her a simpering apology, a later curfew, or several new pairs of satin slippers. 

Her flustered father, who knew this tactic all too well, dragged Snow White inside and dumped her unceremoniously into the bedroom, where Sally was staring deeply at a spot on her upper left cheek in **The Mirror.**

"Darling, you and your stepmother can have a wholesome mother-to-daughter talk about this whole….thing. I'm sure you'll feel better, Snowy, afterwards. I'll be at the round table if you need me." He sprinted off to secure the last jelly doughnut. 

Sally threw Snow White a glare which guaranteed that the talk would not be wholesome and she most definitely would not feel better after it. 

Snow White edged for the door, but Sally quickly muttered a word under her breath, causing a bolt of power to shoot out of the mirror and freeze Snow White in place. 

"Come on, Sally, I was only going to let him kiss me for a while!" 

"Yeah, I know. You're not an interesting enough person to do anything else." 

Snow White gaped at her, not sure whether she should be insulted or not. 

"That's not what this is about. This is about…me. Yes, for once, something is finally about _me_ and _my_ well-being," said Sally bitterly. 

Snow White stared at her. "Um, are you feeling okay? I'll go get Daddy……" 

Sally whirled around to yell at her. "Stop pretending like you care about me! No one does, except your father, and his devotion is linked to my beauty, which is rapidly fading…" 

"Um, Sally, it's normal for that to happen…." 

"Not for me, you little twit-nosed buffalo! My beauty is running on spells, which aren't working correctly at the moment!" 

Now Snow White knew that _that_ had been an insult. "I always knew you were a witch with a capital B!" 

"Um, yeah, well the devil seems to be sucking my powers back and the beauty spell isn't going well. So, I've decided to kill you and eat your heart in the hopes that it makes me look young again. Beauty is power, you know, and without it, I'll never be around long enough to inherit King Daft's rule after he dies." 

Snow White's mental abilities, at this point, had been completely exhausted, so Sally unfroze her and allowed her to run off sobbing down the corridor, yelling after her, "Oh, and your father and I are grounding you, so don't even think about trying to escape." 

Satisfied, Sally turned back to **The Mirror**, whose surface had a long, depressed-looking face upon it. It spoke to her in whining tones. "_Sally, even for you, this is wrong. Killing a young, innocent girl so that you can be attractive for a few more years? Eating her heart will be extremely unpleasant, and it might not even work…_" 

"Shut up. I didn't get you for the moral advice. Now uncloud your surface so I can check back on that spot." The mirror sighed and rolled its eyes, then cleared. 

The spot on Sally's check had vanished. She smiled evilly, showing all of her unpleasantly pointy teeth. Tomorrow, Snow White would bite the dust. 

"_Venomous platypus._" 

"What was that?" Sally casually smashed a small hand mirror laying on her dressing table. 

"_ *Gulp* Nothing._" 

A/n: Wow, this chapter turned out way more sinister than I expected it to. No matter. I leave the evil bubbling brain of Sally to C. But first, here are some responses to the last several reviews, just to show that we love our reviewers and anyone who reviews our story gets their name carved into the White Tree of Minas Tirith: 

Shards of EvenSong: Thanks so much for the nice review (we don't get too many of those. Yes, I love our portrayal of Movie-Arwen as well, although several angry readers didn't. We're glad we brought laughter to ur life, and don't worry, we're too lazy to fall out of our chairs as well. Oh, and about the spelling: I forced M to fix her *ahem* _few_ grammatical errors, lol. 

Marcie Gore: We're glad u like our interpretation; she is one awesome, evil Dudette. Glad that u were amused as well. 

THANKS EVERYBODY! 


	14. Sally’s Plan Revealed

Sorry this took so long for me to update. I haven't been able to read K's story as in the few minutes of spare time I have had the internet wouldn't allow me to read Chapter 13  
  
Yeah, I don't own anything u recognize. but you aren't not stupid enough to think we do, I know  
  
Anyways, on to the story! ~Lovingly, C  
  
Chapter 14 Sally's Plan Revealed  
  
Snow White ran away from Sally, down the corridor, sobbing bitterly. (and quite loudly too, making this narrator finally wake up and take notice) Not paying attention, (as she was prone to do) Snow White ran into the arms of a man walking down the hallway.  
  
"There, there Snow White. You'll be alright honey."  
  
Snow White looked into the eyes of her tutor, Professor Drake, and cried even more obnoxiously, (if that was possible) "Oh Prof-ffessorrrrrrr Draaaaaaaake! Sa-sa-salllyyyy isss *sniff* going to eaaaaaaaaat meee! waaaaaaaaaa!"  
  
"Come on Snow White, come into our classroom. I have something to show you." He said, handing her a handkerchief.  
  
Snow White blew her nose loudly and followed the professor into the classroom. When they entered the room, Drake quickly secured the door and motioned to Snow White to come towards the room's fireplace. Pulling on the lion's head candle at the side of it, and it flipped around to reveal a room lit by an eerie red light. Guiding Snow White into it, it was shown to be a red room, with lots of pictures being developed in it. Looking around in amazement, Snow White saw pictures of Sally from the day she met King Daft, to their wedding day, up to the present day. Drake went to one of the buckets and pulled out to dry a picture of Sally yelling at her mirror, from only a few hours ago.  
  
"Wow this is cool." Snow White grinned stupidly. "But why?"  
  
Drake tried to conceal his contempt for the dense little princess. Had he taught her nothing in the many years she was under his tutelage?  
  
"Well I knew she was up to no good. She has an evil look to her. And with her as the queen, she could have an heir- taking away your chance at the throne." And my own, he added to himself, as your king. "I have pictures and audio documentation of her, from some bottles of beauty cream in her room. If she ever takes a misstep, I will turn her in as the fraud she is."  
  
"Oh." said Snow White, staring stupidly (á la Daniel Radcliff throughout most of Harry Potter)  
  
Drake sighed, and told Snow White he would escort her to her room. He told her he would take care of everything.  
  
When she was secure inside her room, he turned and headed straight for Sally's room, where she was brooding. When Drake entered the room Sally looked up startled.  
  
"Oh good, its just you, Drake-darling."  
  
Drake walked over and embraced the queen tenderly.  
  
"Oh Drakey baby," she said, "will you do me a favor? Call to me the castle woodsmen"  
  
Drake looked into Sally's eyes softly, trying to read her thoughts. "But sweetie-poo, there are no more woodsmen, remember? We switched to magic- burning fireplaces years ago. Can I serve your purpose though?"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Well, that's the end of that! Happy K?! And for all you Harry Potter fans, let me tell you I am a huge Harry Potter fan. But I like the books as opposed to that loosely-based, sadly constructed thing they called the movie. It's a good [b]attempt[/b], but as a true Harry Potter fan I do not view it as a legitimate imitation of the book. :-)  
  
Ok people, REVIEW PLEASE!! and we like angry ones as well as happy ones!  
  
Thank you angry person, the story DOES need work! K, M and I personally take that as a compliment! Thanks Lima Beans, I'm glad you enjoyed our ramblings, thank u Mucksters (happy now?) and Marcie Gore! We love all our review-ees!  
Sincerely, your dearest C :-D 


	15. The Story Actually Begins To Resemble Sn...

"I am not wearing that!" cried Drake.  
  
"But it's so cute!" insisted Sally, holding up a bunny outfit.  
  
"I'm a guy! We wear manly things. Like biker jackets, and cowboy boots, and… pants!"  
  
"But you'll look so cute in this, Drakey-wakey my little bunnikins!" said Sally, waving the pink bunny suit in front of his face.  
  
"I haven't seen a human dressed as a bunny since I got my last issue of _Playboy_!" said Drake, crossing his arms. "And that was a girl, I want you to know."  
  
"But I've always fantasized about you dressing as a bunny!" said Sally.  
  
"Really?" said Drake. "That does it for you?"  
  
Sally snorted. "No. But the point is that Snow White's so stupid she'll follow a bunny wherever it tells her to go."  
  
"Sally, Sally, Sally," said Drake, "no one is _that_ stupid."  
  
"Oh yeah? Wanna bet?" said Sally. "You try it and we'll see!"

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

"And you are so cute and cuddly!" cried Snow White, squeezing onto Drake in his bunny suit. "I've never met a bunny that could talk!"  
  
'Damn, I owe Sally two goat hearts now!' thought Drake.

"Yes!" he cried. "And we can go visit a little cottage! It's so fun there! Wheeeee!"  
  
Snow White jumped up and down. "Really?! Do they have room service?!"  
  
"Um… sure!" said Drake.  
  
"YAY!" cried Snow White. "Lead the way! We can go have a party! I met this really hot guy while I was drying my hair yesterday! We can invite him!"  
  
"No! Let's go by ourselves!" said Drake, not wanting to spend time with another stupid human.  
  
He began to hop, and Snow White followed in suit.  
  
They got to the cottage where the seven dwarves lived.  
  
"Here it is!" cried Drake. "Now I've gotta run! Bye!"  
  
"Bye, bye bunny!" cried Snow White, waving her hand.  
  
She began dancing around the house, smashing dishes through her efforts. When she was tired, she went upstairs and slept.  
  
The dwarves got home soon after.  
  
"What happened?" asked Bashful, looking around.  
  
"I'm guessing something came in and smashed all our dishes," said Doc.  
  
"We need less materialism in the world anyways!" cried Happy, who was running around in circles.  
  
They walked upstairs to their room.  
  
Snow White sat up. "You woke me up! And the run service here SUCKS!"  
  
Grumpy was the first one to talk. "Oh shit."

bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

A/N: M's back! hahahahahahaha. you all should know by now that M can't die. not that you care cuz no one's reviewed in about 12 years.  
  
i won't hold it against you. probably.


	16. Dwarferly Love

A/n: Sally enters the last stages of her evil yet magnificent life…….  
Disclaimer: The circle of lice thing (like the circle of life, except itchier) is inspired by the last BR meeting and the craaaazy camp rules (beds 30 inches apart! Or who KNOWS what will infect your head). Wizard of Oz songs obviously weren't written by me. Or were they…. 

CHAPTER 16 - Dwarferly "Love"

That night, the dwarves held a secret, shifty, tiny-men-ONLY-allowed conference.

In the outhouse. That was the only place Snow White didn't frolic into on a regular basis, singing fit to curl the skin on their eardrums. The outhouse was preferable, as it only curled the skin off their nostrils.

Stereotypically, Doc began the meeting.

"Let's cut to the chase, since I notice most of you are losing the ability to breathe. All those in favor of slipping towdfarp (a/n: dwarf pot; Happy's favorite substance to abuse) into her tea tomorrow and dropping her off in Wolf Meadow, say aye."

The room was silent, other than Bashful's repeated "there's a girl inside there's a girl inside there's a girl inside". (It was all he'd been able to say since Snow White arrived). Finally, Grumpy overcame his hatred for Doc enough to express his greater loathing for Snow White. "Aye. And I'm NOT saying it to agree with you, you bigheaded son of a-"

Happy cut him off. "But we must not turn her out into the woods!! There could be WOLVES out there!!!"

"Um, yeah. That's the point."

Happy smiled, his simple brain too caught up in the intricacies of life to respond.

Doc surveyed the rest of the cramped space, hoping for greater support. Sleepy was… sleeping. Sneezy was… sneezing. Dopey was in the corner… dopeing. Doc sighed. He needed some new friends. It was too bad that dwarves were in such short supply in the middle of the forest. Maybe six rabbits…? No. He'd tried that before. The lawsuits were still pending.

Happy's nose began to bleed, so they went inside.

Snow White was waiting in the kitchen, surrounded by her animal "friends". (Really, all along, they were just addicted to her perfume. Don't tell her. It will ruin the magic).

Doc started shouting. "Get these filthy animals out of our house! Look at what the gopher's doing….that's just wrong!!! OUT."

Snow White grabbed his hands and flung him across the room. "But we're going to SING!!!!! AND DANCE!!!!!!" With that, she began violently kicking around the room while playing the accordion and bellowing. Dwarf heads and wrists cracked. Windows shattered. The antique accordion cried out in pain. Animal friends took the opportunity to create a circle of lice.

And every dwarf mind was made up about just what should be done with their new house guest.

The next morning, having been shaken awake, fed raw eggs and cardboard toast, and forced to wear personalized sequined pink cowboy hats, the dwarves were more than ready to leave for work.

As Snow White kissed them goodbye at the door, Doc stopped for a chat.

"Hey, Snow White, remember: the vacuum cleaner man should be coming today, so open the door to ANYONE that knocks. Especially if they look warty and evil, with scraggly hair and stained black robes."

"WOW, that's one special vacuum man!!!"

"Um…yes. Bye now." He grinned. She was oblivious.

Once they were out of sight of the cottage, the dwarves held a small ceremony in which they burned their hats. Strangely united for maybe the first time in their lives, they sang "Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead" as the flaming sequins drifted off into the air, creating several forest fires where they landed.

Meanwhile, Sally was extremely busy.

Okay, the heart thing hadn't worked. So, she killed Drake and ate his. That didn't do much either, other than provide her with a healthy set of sideburns.

Her sanity was dripping away day by day. Even the king was growing suspicious. He had **The Mirror** banished to a distant mountain, but Sally had then hired a small boy to follow her around and provide a running commentary on her appearance.

Things weren't going well. Until one night when she received an extremely frazzled phone call from an extremely short and jolly man. (Of course she has a phone. Bitchy people need them to update evil plans).

Sally gave one last poisonous look at the narrator. That girl, she thought, is going down. (Don't worry, I'll drag you all down with me).

In any case, the call had revealed Snow White's whereabouts, and with them, a final plan. Sally cackled, her not-so-white-anymore teeth gleaming, as she descended the stairs to her Laboratory.

A/n: Our only reviewer since the last chapter has been EvenSong. Therefore, she gets mad, insane props, while the rest of you get nothing. You lose! Good day, sir!! (yeah willy wonka).

Just can't wait for the climax? Staaaaaaaaaay tuned. And review. That's important too.


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